Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.