I might carry a baby with one hand.
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*