{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Never be a pizza!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am