If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
You Might Also Like
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I wish this was real life…
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?