The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal