Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?