My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.