Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Chicken bread
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.