date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role