ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Worlds greatest photobomb
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally