I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Okay me first
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I am HOWLING at this
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.