Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
One venti cheeseburger please.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.