DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!