Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”