you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa