—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?