Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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United Steaks of America
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
i think both sides are to blame here
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”