If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Who’s your best friend?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way