Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two