[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen