[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes