“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
japanese corn
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”