I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.