BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
You Might Also Like
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO