*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
meanwhile over on facebook
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.