Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna