My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Sniffing the broccoli
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.