[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
You Might Also Like
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.