Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive