This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
You Might Also Like
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back