When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.