Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me in tagged photos
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.