I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
kevin is now a local weatherman
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*