My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I have many caverns
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.