Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
This hospital has everything
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
just gave your address to some spiders
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard