[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.