*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You Might Also Like
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print