Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I hate everything
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?