what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.