5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Good day meowlady
* tips cat