Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
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new record!
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.