[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
How do you milk an almond?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*praying for world peace*
God:
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross