Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
men are simple creatures
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
bought wrong eggs
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.