If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Worst perfume name ever.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Autocorrect completely socks
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.