Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
She was REALLY feeling it.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.