I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters