“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.