Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Bringing home a sharpie
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
🙂🙃🥹
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…