Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much