This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
You Might Also Like
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
this is so top tier i cant
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
doing some research
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.